A vital public service. An extremely rubber budget.

Goal: $750 for one custom rubber puppet.

Venmo: @Russell-Matson. Watch for the ask on X and Instagram Live.

Why $750?

I went looking for a cheap one. I asked two puppet makers for something rough, goofy, and homemade-looking, with an oversized angular jaw. Budget: about $50.

Ellen Lustig, who makes latex caricature puppets, quoted $750. Each one is sculpted in clay, cast in plaster, and airbrushed with latex paint. About 17 hours of work. That is an artist, and that is a fair price.
A second puppet maker was booked solid for the month. Also in Canada. The jaw would have had to clear customs.

So the puppet costs $750. I have a shark puppet and a unicorn puppet. Neither one has the jawline for this assignment.

Our editorial policy

The puppet will have editorial independence. In some aspects.

Our principles are firm. Our puppet is flexible. Please consult your contribution level.

Membership levels

How independent would you like us to be?

Silver

Your name, said out loud, by a rubber puppet, on a live stream. Pronunciation not guaranteed.

Gold: the 100-year confession policy

Pay enough and the puppet will confess to any crime committed in the last 50 years. Or the next 50 years. An unusually forward-looking institution.

Platinum: propaganda on demand

Pay the Platinum price and the puppet will recite propaganda from countries that are enemies of the United States. Your message. Our rubber mouth.

FUND THE CLAVICULAR RUBBER PUPPET

Venmo: @Russell-Matson

Every dollar goes to the puppet. The puppet has no other expenses. It does not eat.

Plan B: the face jug

If the puppet fund comes up short, there is a backup. My friend Paul Haigh, a former PhD chemist, makes punk rock face jugs. I may ask him what a Clavicular face jug would cost. A jug can’t talk on a live stream, but it holds up better in court. See Paul’s work.

Why is a lawyer doing this?

Because the news covers arraignments like a showdown, and a rubber puppet is about as serious as most of that coverage. If you want the real version, here it is: what actually happens at the Clavicular arraignment.

Not affiliated with Braden Peters.